Roller coaster ride from hell

Im sick of the highs and lows, twists and turns and feeling shaken to the core. Might sound dramatic but my heart has been broken and the fall out isn't fun. How I long for the simple days of teenage breakups (although at the time were herendous!)

But I keep saying, one thing at a time...

I am surviving.....just!

Well it's finally Friday and thank goodness I say! It's been a tiring week, not for any great reason in particular just am looking forward to the weekend and being able to sleep in. I don't have to worry about anyone else except myself.....although this in itself is a strange concept to get used to again. I still think about my former 'family' and miss the dynamic that we had. I know I can't go back but now I am facing a new reality which is very slowly starting to take shape. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next twelve months has in store for me....

ANOTHER new beginning

Well it's been a while since I posted and things have certainly changed. Life got turned upside down overnight and it's still all falling back into some sort of order. I'm struggling going from being a family person to being single again but I am lucky to have amazing friends and family to help me through.

To be honest it's crap finding that you have to face another new being and yes i know it is reality but it's also a big pain. I know it will all get easier and I will learn to trust again and be happy. In the mean time, it's day by day for me and we will see what happens.

Tears

You sometimes it all just gets too much and I need a good cry. Well that happened today big time! So emotional and irritated beyond words so the only thing I could do was cry. I tell you I feel a million times better now for it, although I'm running low on tissues!!

Time for me

Something I struggle with is switching from my time as a 'parent' and my time without the children. Don't get me wrong I love (and need) time to myself but it's weird not having the girls around. Both of us feel something is missing when they aren't here. I'm not saying that there is something wrong with our relationship. Fact is those girls are part of our life and it's very noticeable when they aren't here. I treasure the time we have as a couple but I do miss time as a family and look forward to their return.

The hard questions....

I am in the process of updating my will and my partner is writing one and it is leading us to talk about some of the hard questions. Things like what happens if he passes away, what happens to regarding care of the children. Do I want to maintain a relationship with them or not? To me the answers are simple, of course I would want to remain in contact with the children. But I agree we should talk about these issues. No one could predict (or want to) what would happen if that dreadful thing happened however it's best we have a clear understanding of our wishes. I guess for other families there is no question about what happens to the estate if one passes, it goes to the other.....this situation is a little more complex cause there are two children (that are not biologically mine) and their mother involved. As time moves on I think it will all sort itself out however in the mean time we will keep pondering to finalise the wills!

Win some, lose some

Just when you think that things are going ok....you drop a ball and the rest come falling down. I liken this role I play to a juggling act and the fine line between holding allthe balls in the air moving in a coordinated way and them being scattered on the floor. I feel the pressure today after a long work day.

1. My partner with whom I would never juggle!
2. The girls who are just little complex beings whose moods change like the wind.
3. Family an ever changing dynamic
4. Friends, who I need to spend more time with
5. Job, which is slowly being moves down my list of priorities. Now I have a new perspective of what work life balance should be
6. Myself and my mental health - a juggling act in itself!
7. Finally, my emotions!!

I'm a bit all over the place now emotionally. On the work front I have felt unsupported at times and because I'm used to defining myself through my work that is hard. I have really realised in the past few weeks how attached I am to the girls. I cant imagine life with out my partner and them.

So tomorrow is a new day and I'll do my best to juggle successfully all day!!

The bathroom

Every time I look at the bathroom mirror I'm confronted with marks all over it. It's funny watching a 1 and 5 year old brush their teeth, spit an rinse....water and toothpaste goes everywhere! I guess I should be pleased that the girls don't have problems brushing their teeth.

Not a good start

Sorry I need to vent....aaargh!!!!

Today wasnt a good day at work, pretty rubbish to be honest. Then I came home and was told I was hated, only ever make her sad etc I just burst into tears.I couldn't help it and I didnt like to be emotional at the time. But by that stage I just felt I couldnt do anything right at all.

Give me strength for tomorrow

Thinking positive .....

Right,so after a long day at work I'm having some alone time to reflect and also think about how I can do things better when the little misses come home tomorrow. To make it easy for myself I think I'll set three basic goals:

1. Stay calm and take a moment before reacting
2. Remember they are children and we are all still adjusting
3. Take an hour with each child one on one and do something special together.

I'm reminded everyday of the role I've taken on and I'm determined not to let it get the better of me! Time for sleep so I'm still thinking positive in the morning :)

Fingers Crossed

Dear Miss 5, I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. However I'm hoping you are in a better mood this time! My fingers are crossed that you have a good week, enjoy your new bedroom, have fun and make some happy memories. I love you xoxo

We don't negotiate!

Its been a fun few days in our house...Miss 1 is in a big bed and as we have bunks miss 5 is now on the top bunk! Surprisingly Miss 1 has adapted quite well to the new bed while Miss 5 has morphed into a bit of a monster! I can laugh about it now that the house is silent and everyone except me is asleep but it's been challenging for two reasons.

1. Working out punishment, discipline between myself and my partner. We are a good team and are generally on the same page in this respect. Although I am a bit stricter with the kids whereas a cute smile can melt his heart and at times he can soften a bit.

2. The noise!! Tantrums, squealing, yelling etc I don't think I'll get used to it but I think I'm learning to block it out!

And I've just thought of a third...comparisons. Like 'I don't do that at mummy's house' and at mummy's house I can do this' its hard to know what's truth and what's not at times.

I think if we persist she will learn the boundaries at our house. In the mean time she can tell me she hates me as much as she wants ...I love her and I know best cause I'm the adult!!

Family?

I find people's definition of family very varied these days. For me, it's always been broad and based on relationships and not simply genetics. My partner however is from a very traditional family unit and I think it's been hard at times for my partner to accept that his definition of family is different to his views. There is no wrong or right definition but I think it's important for each person to have their own definition and work towards building the foundations for strong and healthy relationship.

I am grateful

I've just been reading the few blogs I follow that cover off on some of the step parent issues and along with some thinking time earlier this week I figured I need to say something....I am grateful to have a pretty good relationship with the girls mum at the moment. I praise both her and my partner for this and the way they co-parent. Don't get me wrong at times it can be awkward, strained etc but having two parents that can openly communicate about the children makes everything else that much easier. Alot of other blogs I read talk about just awful relationships between parents and step parents. These situations are hard enough without those issues....children do and always must come first.

Answering honestly

So we heard some very sad news this week about the passing of a friends baby. It's been an emotional time and it's hard to get my head around it. The expected things like why does it happen, why my gorgeous friend, how can I help and it puts things in my own life into perspective. Miss 4 overheard us talking about it and asked a few questions about death. Questions maybe in hindsight I shouldve left to my partner. But in the moment I thought it best to answer her questions honestly. I didn't want to scare or upset her and I answered things in an age appropriate way. However Miss 4 did get upset and she was saddened by this news. She later came out and asked about lifecycles, so I think somewhere along the way she's heard about these topics. Im now thinking maybe I shouldn't have said anything but I don't want to make up stories. It's a very sad time and I think it's part of a parents role to educate our children about all sorts of things.

Shut Up!!

Maybe I should remind myself sometimes to just shut my mouth. Doesn't matter that I lived through growing up with separated parents, my opinion doesn't seem to matter sometimes. For example care arrangements inthe next couple if weeks see the girls night about at their two houses. In my opinion this should be avoided to ensure the kids are stable. As an adult I hate being in different places each night (like on some wrk trips) so I'd imagine kids may feel similar. But has anyone asked the kids? Again, as adults we should/try to know what's best. Sometimes I feel that my opinion isn't needed/justified which makes me frustrated more than anything. I too only want what is best for these children.

But time for me to shut up!

Alone time

I'm sure I've said this before but I am always grateful for the few nights a week we have without the girls. While it's never the same and way too quiet we are lucky to have time for each other in amongst the craziness that is our life! Without it I don't think our relationship would be as strong.

Snap out of it

I'm going to be positive today and although I know things aren't perfect I have so much to be grateful. I have an awesome supportive partner who makes me smile every day. I also have two beautiful girls who keep me grounded. At time I can be selfish but their little smiles, cheeky games and unique little personalities remind me that I'm lucky to have them in my life. I learn something new about the girls and myself everyday.

At times I get down when people pass comments on my situation but I have chosen this. Having said that though, there is that saying people shouldn't judge before walking a mile in someone else's shoes.....it's ok that this is hard, life wasn't meant to be easy!!

This is hard

While today has been a great day I can't shake this feeling at the moment that I'm not a real parent. So the fact is I'm not biologically but I feed them, bath them, cuddle them, put them to bed, look after them, take them on special outings, do activities with them, get up to them in the middle of the night etc. The definition of what/who I am is difficult and always changing. I'm finding it difficult today.

Feeling Inferior

It's a strange position I am in and it's hard to explain. For the most part at home and while the children are with us I am in the role of parent and do all the things that come with that. But happens at times when we are out with the children's mother? I know I'm probably overthinking it but it's at those times that I feel inferior and reminded that I'm not a real parent. I know I'm not a biological parentbut I find it hard to switch between roles when their mother is present. I'm sure as I get more confident in this role it will be easier. I should also say that things with their mother are pretty good at the moment. Communication is improving and I think there is more acceptance of the whole situation and all it's complexities.

Miss Clingy

So I have a situation that I feel uncomfortable about. Miss 1 is a tad clingy with me right now and I hope that doesn't make my partner feel weird. I think it's just a stage she is going through but I don't want to be doing something I shouldn't be (comforting her). Im sure I'm over reacting but I guess that is just me!

Progress!

So I had both girls last night on my own. It worked out that way for a few reasons, none of which really matter. It went really well, with Miss 1 being unwell she was unsettled at nap time but eventually cried herself to sleep. Both girls were well behaved and I consider myself lucky to have them in my life.

An update

Well it's been a while....not alot to report really. Miss 1 is walking constantly and is cuter than ever. Miss 4 is a real little girl and is growing up quickly, we are teaching her to count and add numbers together. She is very bright and just loves learning.

Ive really begun to enjoy teaching the girls things and watching them develop and grow. I'm amazed at how quickly they grow and I can't help but smile when they achieve new things :)

Books

I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment, not just about home stuff but everything. This situation makes me question everything. I read a book a while back about going from single person to 'step mum'. I found it helpful but think I need to find some more books to read to give me some insights and helpful hints on being a good role model.

Being the better person

Things are going ok at the moment but I am struggling to keep my cool at times. I think part of if is that I'm still not feeling well but I'm just a bit impatient. I'm still struggling with what my role is with these children that aren't mine. I made a committment to my partner that I would our relationship and therefore his children very seriously. I see it as a responsibilty and it annoys me that some people question this.

I don't know why I care what people think. Sometimes I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! Sorry just feel flat today

Not #1

I have a question for all the step mums out there and those women dating men with children from a previous relationship...how do you get used to/accept that you aren't number one in your partners life? It was more difficult at the beginning cause in a new relationship you want to feel like the only person in each others world.I have accepted my role but the last few days I've felt like chucking a tanti to be noticed!! Sounds so childish I know but it's easy to get wrapped up in the moment when we crave affection and attention.

Who am I?

It's been an interesting few days and Miss 4 is now starting to ask more and more questions. Her questions are random and cover things like why mum and dad aren't married anymore, can she call me mum sometimes, will mum or dad have more babies. Sometimes I am honestly thrown by the questions and sometimes I laugh. At times Miss 4's questions show how complex kids minds are and at times I am amused by her interpretation of events and issues.

Last week I was asked a few times what the children call me......to me I've never considered that I should or would be called 'mum'. Mainly for the simple reason that I am not their mum. I may be like a mum in some of the things that I do but I don't believe that they would ever call me 'mum'. It's funny though some people assume that because of their age they will just call me mum as opposed to my name. In all honesty, I would be extremely honoured one day to be called mum by someone but it's the role I've taken on with these girls. Miss 4 explains to people at times that I am her friend and I love that, if I can be another person in her life to love and support her then I think my job is done. These girls have gone through the separation of their parents and having been through that myself I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So my aim for the next period of time we have them is to remind myself constantly to be the best person and role model I can be. Because at the end of the day, when I look at my mum and those other strong women I considered to be mum like role models they are people that may not always tell me the things that I like but they do this to guide me in the right direction because they love me and know how I think. I am very lucky.

Comfortable

Things seemed to have settled a bit in the past few days. We are in the middle of a two week block of the time with the girls and I think it's allowed us to have more of a routine. The girls have been calm although Miss One is sick (again) poor little thing. Things have also shifted me a little in that I feel more relaxed in my new role. I have no doubt that in the next few days I will be again faced with something else challenging. But in the mean time I am just going to enjoy this peace.

Great Expectations

How the past few weeks have flown....I’ve been house bound for part of the time unwell (which is no fun) and am finally glad to be off to work today!!

The biggest challenge for me in the past week has been managing people’s expectations of me. The responsibilities that come with this family are enormous but some people think that because they aren’t my kids biologically that they aren’t my responsibility. I didn’t go into this half heartedly, when the children are with us, we are a team and my partner and I are both responsible. Don’t get me wrong, I still have plenty of time with my friends (I would go crazy without it) but it’s certainly not like being single and having no children. Unless you are in this situation I think it would be hard to understand how hard it is to adapt to the responsibilities of an instant family. But that is just my view.

We’ve been talking a lot recently about family and how families can be made up of many different people; but at the end of the day as a family we look after each other. So in the typical black and white world of Miss 4 she says we all have one person to look after!! But she did say that she was someone I had to look after along with her mummy and daddy J. That made me feel good about the role I play in her life.

Miss 4 and I had a girls night out last weekend and it was great fun. She needed to be on her best behaviour all day otherwise girls night was not going ahead! It was nice to spend some time alone together and just chat about what’s going on and all sorts of random things. I am amazed at times with her maturity and how well she handles things. However we still have the occasional incident of crying in the middle of the night which makes me question what’s going on in the head of hers.

So the next few days are child free and then we are lucky to have them for a few weeks over Easter. We’ve picked a cake to make for the Easter bunny and will make baskets to go on an Easter Egg hunt! I just hope I’m allowed to participate even though I’m an adult!!  

Taking time for me

I have the house to myself tonight and I am really enjoy the peace and quiet. The girls are away and Mr R is out with his mates so I'm using the time to catch up on a few things (including my blog)!

I find it takes a while to unwind when I get time to myself, so much of my time is crazy busy with work, family, friends etc so it feels bit weird to sit and do nothing. With all my roles it's easy to forget to take time to myself and just relax.

So that's enough from me, I'm making the most of this and going to watch a movie and eat ice cream!

Things are Changing....

We know now that the girls mum's house has been sold and the girls and their mother will be moving. We are not sure where but I am pleased to know that Miss 4 is now more accepting of this. For a few months now she knew the house was going to be sold but she didn't comprehend what this meant. For example, she didn't realise all her stuff was going with them. Our whole little family has gone through alot of change in the past 12months and hopefully this move will be the last major change in a while.

I know that the changes have caused me stress and anxiety so I can't imagine how a 4 year old deals with this. I personally can't wait for things to settle down. This past 12 months has been one of the hardest times in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm know there are always going to be issues with our family but I wish we could have a few months with nothing major happening so I can catch up!!

Wishful thinking maybe??

Juggling Act

Today I took Miss 1 out by myself for a while. After I discovered the stroller didn't fit in my car boot we re-arranged the car a little and then were on our way!! All went pretty well, she was very well behaved although I was glad to be able to get home. I consider myself to be quite organised when it comes to the children....meaning I usually remember to pack everything that we need. It's never a quick trip anywhere there is so much stuff to take with you even just for a visit to the shops. My black handbag has been swapped for a pink princess backpack full of nappies, wipes, snacks and toys. I think I still need a bit more practice at managing a stroller, the baby, carrying the shopping etc!

Sick

So it's been a long few days being unwell. And while I'm on the mend it's made me realise just how hard this parenting thing is when you are sick. I've been fortunate to have a few days without the girls so I've been able to just rest and try to get well. Now it's back to Friday and the girls have just been dropped off by their mother. I always find Friday is the most difficult day because it's their transition day. I am not at all surprised that it's stressful for the kids and I hope over time they will slowly get used to it.

It never ceases to amuse me how much Miss 4 wants to play with Miss 1's toys!! Now that Miss 1 is starting to walk payback is coming into play. Miss 4 just set up a train set with her dad and just as they were playing with it Miss 1 made her way over and started pulling up the tracks!! This was soon followed by a little outburst by Miss 4 about how it's unfair that her sister plays with her toys!!

Does anyone read this??

I've been blogging now for a few months and I find it therapeutic but I'm not sure if anyone is reading it!! A following is not why I do this, this is simply a way for me to vent and try to deal with my life as a new 'parent'

Comparisons

The latest line from Miss 4.....'I'm going to tell my mummy on you'

This came after an argument about Miss 4 putting on her tights before going outside to play. This statement comes in a long line of statements comparing me to her mother. My risotto was 'yuk and not like mum's' and 'my mum said I don't have to do that'. Oh dear....how do I deal with this?? Help!

I know it isn't a competition but it's hard being compared and accepting that I will never be as good as her mum. I have to get over that, I'm not her mum, I am her friend and her father's partner. To our dear Miss 4, she has a mum and a dad and all I can settle for is playing a key role in her life as a special friend :) For that I am grateful.

Babies everywhere!

I know of three babies born in the last week and it's amazing how quickly your conversations with friends change. We've gone from talking about Home and Away, movies, the latest gossip to breastfeeding, sleep patterns and the joys of childbirth. It's amazing how quickly things change. Makes me want a little baby.....but now is definitely not the time!

International Women's Day 2011

What a wonderful day to celebrate!! Today is the 100th International Women's Day and I would like to pay special mention to all the mum's and step mum's out there. Especially those that play the role of 'superwoman' raising a family, being a partner, going to the office etc. It's no easy task and I know I couldn't do it without the support of friends and the guidance of mentors both professionally and personally.

Things are tough

Well it's been a difficult week this week, sometimes I struggle moving between life as a couple and life with 2 children. I feel like I'm running a million miles an hour trying to play catch up when my partner has 4 years head start on me. Now I can hear people going "you knew what you were getting in to" but now isn't the time for that, what I need now is support from my friends and family. Having children in your life whether they are your biologically or not is always going to be a challenge and I don't think until you've walked in my shoes you can comment.

A recent addition to my extended family this week made me reflect on the mean on family and new beginnings. That whole concept really summarises my week so far!! It's amazing how nothing else matters when you are holding a newborn baby in your arms. All I can hope for is the best for all the little new additions close to me this week. As for the two amazing girls I live with, all I can do is be there and be me. I keep being reminded by other wise step mum to let the children come to me, don't push, just be me and they will work out the truth in their own way.

Finally....a day at home

So it's been a while since I've written here and it's partly because we didn't have the girls for a few days and then now we do so i haven't had a lot of time to write.

Since I wrote last....Miss 4 has started preschool and Miss 1 is standing on her own for a few seconds at a time. I'm continually amazed at how much they change and grow once they are away for a few days. Miss 1 is now giving me cuddles. This is something new because for a long time she would only give her dad cuddles. It's very cute and I'm pleased that we are continuing to grow closer together over time.

It's now been a few months since I moved in and it's nice to know things are starting to get a little easier and more familiar :) 

No more training wheels!!

So today is a special day...Miss 4 is having the training wheels taken off her bike! We bought her a pretty princess helmet (that's been on her head since we got it) and we are set to go.

I'm a little nervous about this and fear that if she falls off once then we will struggle to get her back on the bike....oh well time will tell. I can imagine I will get some funny photos of this milestone though :)

Who has the rules?

We have this constant battle in our home about rules and which rules apply at both the girls homes and which rules are specific to either house/parent. I couldn't tell you how many times I've heard 'I can't do that cause mummy said so'. It's hard not knowing what rules are enforced at the other house but we are persisting with our rules. In a perfect world, we would all be able to sit down and discuss rules etc so that we are all the same page but as I keep being reminded....life ain't perfect!

One thing that puzzles me is this rule about Miss 1 not being able to eat strawberries? We have given her strawberries heaps of times and she's had no trouble eating them. I'm not sure if there is some reason you can't feed a one year old strawberries.....interestinly sultanas are fine for her to eat (I would've assumed that they were more of a choking hazard). Oh well, our battles continue in relation to rules (as I suspect they will be for many many years to come)

Just quickly....the star chart is working (after some great advice from my mum)!! 5 stars down and 5 to go!!

How long will it take?

So yesterday, we introduced the Star Chart into our home and a list of family rules in this home. The aim is to get 10 stars....one per day of excellent behaviour. Day one, and we weren't off to a good start with no star given!! Here is hoping that day two is more successful. So far so good at this stage. Will keep you posted :)

I do belong!!

Sometimes it's the littlest things that make all the difference. So let me share a few things that made me smile in the last few days that made me feel a part of this 'family'

• A big smile when going to get Miss 1 out of bed one morning
• A cute voicemail message
• A lovely message from my partner's mum 
• A little person trying to climb up your legs for a cuddle 
• A big hug at the end of a long and busy weekend with the girls

Just add water!

My friend made a comment today about my instant family and I had this thought about those fake trees that you can get as a kid. You know the ones where you add water and they instantly grow! My little instant family came to be just like that...one minute I am happily dating a wonderful man and then the realisation that he comes with two children. It didn't hit me like a tonne of bricks, it was slower than that which I am pleased about because it allowed me to get used to having three new people in my life instead of one.

Talking about the kids, they returned today and the house is full once again. It's a nice feeling know that everyone is home and happy. My partner has had to work tonight so I looked after the girls. It went really well and both girls were fed, bathed and in bed on time :) It might not sound like a big deal to other mothers but for me it is another win. A chance to get to know the children more and establish boundaries and prove to myself that I can do this. Those small things remind me that I am capable and that I can still be a good parent :)

How it all began...

One of the most common questions I get when I say I live with my partner and his children is "how are old are they". Of course when I say 4 years and 1 years you instantly see people's mind tick over trying to work out how i can be dating a person with a one year old that isn't mine! This amuses me every and I know as Miss 1 gets older it will become less of an issue. To set the record straight, the ex was in the early stages of pregnancy when they separated.

We had been friends for a number of years after working together some time ago. Facebook saw us back in contact over time and at one point after both of our long term relationships ended (at different times) we became better friends. After a time of on and off dating (which was largely unsuccessful because there was way to much going on in our worlds) we eventually 'officially' started dating a few months after Miss 1 was born.

It's been a slow process getting to know the girls and it's incredibly difficult to find your place in a relationship and an established family. What I've learnt is that it takes time and alot of patience. I couldn't have done this without the support of my amazing friends who have assured me they are there to catch me during the difficult times. Let's face it, my partner has his children to look after and that look after him but who is there to look out for me....friends are so important.

It's very quiet....

Today Miss 4 went back to her BM house so we now have five days without the girls. I never like the first night without them because the house is so quiet, it's bizarre. While I would love the girls to be here all the time, I do think we are lucky that we get a few nights a week alone to spend together. I know alot of couples don't have that luxury, for me it's one of the few good things about sharing parenting between parents :(

So we begin....

So this is all very new to me so forgive me while I work out what I am doing! There are a few reasons I want to keep this blog:
1. Track my journey as a 'parent' for my own records;
2. Connect with other people in my situation;
3. Have a place to vent if  needed! and
4. Try something new :)

As someone who is always worried about what people think, this is all a bit scary but I am promising myself that I will be honest.