Highs with the Lows

One thing that amazes me about having to say goodbye to children is that the grieving process comes in such waves. You can be coasting along just fine and then all of a sudden you are thrown. I’ve ordered a new car and while I’m excited about it, it will be hard to get rid of my current car. Yes there are lots of memories, the drive from Alice Springs to Canberra, testing out how much you can fit in a small car but probably the hardest has to do with the children that used to be in my life. There is one little handprint on the back window from the littlest girl and I’ve never been able to bring myself to wash it off. It may seem silly and while I’ve been able to pack away other memories I haven’t been able to remove the handprint.

Every day I think of those girls, I miss them and would give anything to spend even an hour with them. Yes it does get easier but it hasn’t gone away. I trust that one day the pain will be less severe and they won’t cross my mind as often but that time isn’t now and I will need to ride the waves of grief a little longer.

Now for my mother and friends that read this.....I am ok. It’s just one of those difficult days J

Things not so good

I know  when I’m struggling with my depression because I start eating orange cream biscuits and doing jigsaw puzzles. Might be a strange combination but it works! When I was going onto medication for the second time I was feeling quite nauseous and could stomach any food I had in the house. So I took myself to the shops and grabbed a few random items one of which being orange creams. Not sure what it is about them but they were the one thing that didn’t make me want to throw up. It’s very rare I eat them now as things are generally under control (which is good cause they aren’t the healthiest thing!).

As for the puzzles, they allow my brain to focus on one piece of the puzzle at a time. I don’t get overwhelmed by the complexity of a puzzle or how challenging it will be rather I focus on one piece at a time. I can honestly say it is the only time that my brain is pretty much silent and that is so peaceful.

Space needed

It's been one of those days and I am craving some space and time to myself. I've been feeling irritable and just over things.....so after getting home from work and doing a few housey things I changed into my pj's and have been watching tv in bed. I know that this is a luxury that most people can't afford but I figure now that I don't have to be responsible for anyone else I can enjoy a lazy night in. Time to watch Winners and Losers then sleep time for me :)

Olivia

I was watching a story on tv on the weekend about Olivia Penpraze and it just broke my heart.

“I suck at introductions, and I don’t know where to start. My name is Liv, and I guess I look like your normal happy teenager...”This is how Olivia’s video blog post started and as the video went on you saw cards with Olivia’s thoughts about bullying and suicide. It was a very honest video and in today’s world of internet etc I guess it was her way of communicating with the outside world.

  

Olivia’s father was interviewed and he estimated around 15,000 people had watched that video between the time it was posted in January 2012 and early May 3 at the time of her death. What is unbelievable is that no one contacted Olivia’s parents to tell them about the video.  Was it a case of it was too hard for anyone to speak up or intervene?

At the age of 19 I can understand how hard it would have been for Olivia to communicate and really articulate how she felt on the inside. Only now in my late 20’s can I begin to try and explain how my own head works being depressed. How are teenagers today meant to explain how they feel when they are dealing with social media along with the other more traditional forms of bullying?  

Back to Reality

I've just had three days off work so only a very short working week for me. I'd planned these days off to do nothing.....people question this but really I was reaching breaking point and I knew I needed some time to chill out and really relax. I didn't want to go away travelling etc I wanted to be at home which feels like a novelty at present with life being so busy.

I'm so pleased that I've taken this time to myself I've slept, watched tv, movies, eaten yummy foods, caught up with good friends and scrapbooked. It sounds busy when it's listed out but really I feel rested, relaxed and my head space is a lot clearer.

I'm looking forward to getting back into the office tomorrow and hope my mini break at home is enough to get me through until my next lot of holidays!!

Why I like blogs

So a good friend of mine started a blog recently and it led me to question why I like having a blog and why I like reading them .

Basically for me I only became interested in blogs when I was considering a surgical procedure last year. I found myself curious about what people really went through and a bit sceptical about the stories you would read on surgeons websites. I was lucky enough to stumble across a wonderful blog about a girls journey leading up to and after the same surgery and it was so useful to me. It helped me better prepare for meetings with my doctor about the procedure and formulate what questions I should be asking.

I then found blogs useful again as I transitioned in to the role of a ‘step mum’. Coupled with counselling for me and my partner at the time I found it useful to connect with other people in the same situation as me for advice and ideas on how to approach living with children that aren’t biologically yours. Being behind a computer reading things and asking questions is a safe way to address what are sometimes very sensitive and politically incorrect issues/concerns.

For me, blogs are a forum that I can use to share my thoughts, without judgement and simply just be me, which I find both refreshing and empowering.

Missing my person

It’s only been like 9 days since my person went overseas on a holiday. I always knew I would miss him but he is a shift worker so it’s not uncommon to go a week without really seeing each other. But he called a short time ago and it hit home how much I miss him and that he still has another few weeks away. I have managed to get through the first week by keeping very busy and now as things settle down I’m finding myself with more free time. I will use this time to focus on myself, clear my head and have some good nanna naps!

It’s funny how we can be so independent and cope just fine as a single person and enjoy the freedom but things can change very quickly when you meet someone. Having been so hurt previously it took a long time to learn to trust again and now that I do it’s nice to have someone to share things with. I’m very lucky to have a person who accepts me and my crazy mind and is supportive and caring unconditionally.

My Person

So I thought I would quickly explain this concept of ‘my person’ before I start writing about him. This label was created by my flatmate when he was struggling to define the stage of my relationship....somewhere between dating and an actual relationship! Now the term has stuck and even though we are now firmly in the relationship stage it’s still fun to refer to him as my person J