Roller coaster ride from hell

Im sick of the highs and lows, twists and turns and feeling shaken to the core. Might sound dramatic but my heart has been broken and the fall out isn't fun. How I long for the simple days of teenage breakups (although at the time were herendous!)

But I keep saying, one thing at a time...

I am surviving.....just!

Well it's finally Friday and thank goodness I say! It's been a tiring week, not for any great reason in particular just am looking forward to the weekend and being able to sleep in. I don't have to worry about anyone else except myself.....although this in itself is a strange concept to get used to again. I still think about my former 'family' and miss the dynamic that we had. I know I can't go back but now I am facing a new reality which is very slowly starting to take shape. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next twelve months has in store for me....

ANOTHER new beginning

Well it's been a while since I posted and things have certainly changed. Life got turned upside down overnight and it's still all falling back into some sort of order. I'm struggling going from being a family person to being single again but I am lucky to have amazing friends and family to help me through.

To be honest it's crap finding that you have to face another new being and yes i know it is reality but it's also a big pain. I know it will all get easier and I will learn to trust again and be happy. In the mean time, it's day by day for me and we will see what happens.

Tears

You sometimes it all just gets too much and I need a good cry. Well that happened today big time! So emotional and irritated beyond words so the only thing I could do was cry. I tell you I feel a million times better now for it, although I'm running low on tissues!!

Time for me

Something I struggle with is switching from my time as a 'parent' and my time without the children. Don't get me wrong I love (and need) time to myself but it's weird not having the girls around. Both of us feel something is missing when they aren't here. I'm not saying that there is something wrong with our relationship. Fact is those girls are part of our life and it's very noticeable when they aren't here. I treasure the time we have as a couple but I do miss time as a family and look forward to their return.

The hard questions....

I am in the process of updating my will and my partner is writing one and it is leading us to talk about some of the hard questions. Things like what happens if he passes away, what happens to regarding care of the children. Do I want to maintain a relationship with them or not? To me the answers are simple, of course I would want to remain in contact with the children. But I agree we should talk about these issues. No one could predict (or want to) what would happen if that dreadful thing happened however it's best we have a clear understanding of our wishes. I guess for other families there is no question about what happens to the estate if one passes, it goes to the other.....this situation is a little more complex cause there are two children (that are not biologically mine) and their mother involved. As time moves on I think it will all sort itself out however in the mean time we will keep pondering to finalise the wills!

Win some, lose some

Just when you think that things are going ok....you drop a ball and the rest come falling down. I liken this role I play to a juggling act and the fine line between holding allthe balls in the air moving in a coordinated way and them being scattered on the floor. I feel the pressure today after a long work day.

1. My partner with whom I would never juggle!
2. The girls who are just little complex beings whose moods change like the wind.
3. Family an ever changing dynamic
4. Friends, who I need to spend more time with
5. Job, which is slowly being moves down my list of priorities. Now I have a new perspective of what work life balance should be
6. Myself and my mental health - a juggling act in itself!
7. Finally, my emotions!!

I'm a bit all over the place now emotionally. On the work front I have felt unsupported at times and because I'm used to defining myself through my work that is hard. I have really realised in the past few weeks how attached I am to the girls. I cant imagine life with out my partner and them.

So tomorrow is a new day and I'll do my best to juggle successfully all day!!