Me, myself and I

So things are starting to sink in a bit....I don’t cope well with change and I have needed some time to myself to come to terms with all the change in my life. I am getting used to it all and learning to adapt to living with someone again.

I find that it’s been hard in the last 12 months to trust again, let someone into my life and relax into a new relationship. I think back to times when I was much more carefree and able to be optimistic about everything. I do realise that this is all a part of growing up, changing and learning from things but it upsets me that our innocence is lost and cannot be restored. I remember back to times living with two little girls and think about how wild their imaginations where, how the simplest item could amuse them for hours and a story or a hug was enough calm them down and settle them. If only it was that easy as an adult.

During the difficult times, I’ve learnt to rely on myself and my friends and turn to them when I need help or support. Largely though, through self preservation I’ve relied only on myself. I figured that way I was less likely to end up getting hurt because I could control things.

Whirlwind

So a lot has changed in a very short space of  time.......

• I turned 30
• I enjoyed 10 amazing days in Thailand
• My ex returned (without the children)
• My boyfriend moved into my place
• I went back to work after holidays
• I was proposed to and said yes....so I'm getting married!

See.....a lot of things! I feel emotionally drained but also excited about the future.

A year on

Well, there were moments in the past 12 months that i didn't think I would survive. The pain of separating and losing contact with two small children has been indescribable at times. Although the pain comes in waves and I miss the children terribly, I have learned to compartmentalize my feelings. A few months ago I picked up a small pink box and over time have slowly packed away things that belonged or remind me of the girls as well as photos and cards that I had bought them for their birthdays this year (but never sent). I have opened the box a few times and had a good cry but also smiled at the memories shared and lessons learned.

Life goes on, I accept this. I am in a good place now, wonderful partner, great house, supportive work mates and fabulous friends and family. I know I don't regret anything that's changed, but I do wish at times I was spared the pain and still had a relationship with the girls.

My friends are fabulous

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the supportive friends I have. This much I know....you can't afford to lose your friends as you enter into a new relationship. I've been guilty of this before, when I was younger. But as I approach 30, I am proud that I am able to maintain fabulous friendships and a wonderful relationship.

Sometimes I question my strength and ability to push through the lows of depression and the indescribable pain of being apart from two small children. But I've learned to try and when all else fails, ask my friends for help. It's a hard thing to do sometimes especially because know one wants to feel like a burden. What I've learned though is that it's better to ask for help than suffer in silence.

Too much

There is only so much one person can take in one day. After an emotional weekend I woke this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Sometimes when you think the past is dealt with and filed away it rears its head and takes you by surprise.

Seriously

I mentioned in an earlier blog about the hand print in my car left behind from a very special little girl. I couldn't bring myself to wipe it off but I took my car to get professionally cleaned today before I sell it and to my surprise when I got back in the car the hand print was still there! So not only did I have to see it again, I had to get in and clean it myself...not what I needed today.

A sense of achievement

It’s nice after a busy weekend to look back see what you have achieved. Often I think I’ve done nothing, no washing, no cleaning, didn’t catch up with as many friends as I wanted etc but this weekend I built a desk! Which meant building it from its flat pack state into something that resembled a nice work space. This also meant that I had to sort through my house to ensure the desk could fit and put my new found storage space to good use!  So I feel like I achieved a few things which is nice....admittedly I didn’t clean as much and I was so lucky that my partner washed, dried and folded my washing (how spoilt am I!)

This week I’m hoping to achieve a few more things, cleaning my bedroom, sorting out my wardrobe and filing the pile of paperwork that has been accuring on my bedroom floor!