Whirlwind

So a lot has changed in a very short space of  time.......

• I turned 30
• I enjoyed 10 amazing days in Thailand
• My ex returned (without the children)
• My boyfriend moved into my place
• I went back to work after holidays
• I was proposed to and said yes....so I'm getting married!

See.....a lot of things! I feel emotionally drained but also excited about the future.

A year on

Well, there were moments in the past 12 months that i didn't think I would survive. The pain of separating and losing contact with two small children has been indescribable at times. Although the pain comes in waves and I miss the children terribly, I have learned to compartmentalize my feelings. A few months ago I picked up a small pink box and over time have slowly packed away things that belonged or remind me of the girls as well as photos and cards that I had bought them for their birthdays this year (but never sent). I have opened the box a few times and had a good cry but also smiled at the memories shared and lessons learned.

Life goes on, I accept this. I am in a good place now, wonderful partner, great house, supportive work mates and fabulous friends and family. I know I don't regret anything that's changed, but I do wish at times I was spared the pain and still had a relationship with the girls.

My friends are fabulous

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the supportive friends I have. This much I know....you can't afford to lose your friends as you enter into a new relationship. I've been guilty of this before, when I was younger. But as I approach 30, I am proud that I am able to maintain fabulous friendships and a wonderful relationship.

Sometimes I question my strength and ability to push through the lows of depression and the indescribable pain of being apart from two small children. But I've learned to try and when all else fails, ask my friends for help. It's a hard thing to do sometimes especially because know one wants to feel like a burden. What I've learned though is that it's better to ask for help than suffer in silence.

Too much

There is only so much one person can take in one day. After an emotional weekend I woke this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Sometimes when you think the past is dealt with and filed away it rears its head and takes you by surprise.

Seriously

I mentioned in an earlier blog about the hand print in my car left behind from a very special little girl. I couldn't bring myself to wipe it off but I took my car to get professionally cleaned today before I sell it and to my surprise when I got back in the car the hand print was still there! So not only did I have to see it again, I had to get in and clean it myself...not what I needed today.

A sense of achievement

It’s nice after a busy weekend to look back see what you have achieved. Often I think I’ve done nothing, no washing, no cleaning, didn’t catch up with as many friends as I wanted etc but this weekend I built a desk! Which meant building it from its flat pack state into something that resembled a nice work space. This also meant that I had to sort through my house to ensure the desk could fit and put my new found storage space to good use!  So I feel like I achieved a few things which is nice....admittedly I didn’t clean as much and I was so lucky that my partner washed, dried and folded my washing (how spoilt am I!)

This week I’m hoping to achieve a few more things, cleaning my bedroom, sorting out my wardrobe and filing the pile of paperwork that has been accuring on my bedroom floor!  

Highs with the Lows

One thing that amazes me about having to say goodbye to children is that the grieving process comes in such waves. You can be coasting along just fine and then all of a sudden you are thrown. I’ve ordered a new car and while I’m excited about it, it will be hard to get rid of my current car. Yes there are lots of memories, the drive from Alice Springs to Canberra, testing out how much you can fit in a small car but probably the hardest has to do with the children that used to be in my life. There is one little handprint on the back window from the littlest girl and I’ve never been able to bring myself to wash it off. It may seem silly and while I’ve been able to pack away other memories I haven’t been able to remove the handprint.

Every day I think of those girls, I miss them and would give anything to spend even an hour with them. Yes it does get easier but it hasn’t gone away. I trust that one day the pain will be less severe and they won’t cross my mind as often but that time isn’t now and I will need to ride the waves of grief a little longer.

Now for my mother and friends that read this.....I am ok. It’s just one of those difficult days J