My friends are fabulous

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the supportive friends I have. This much I know....you can't afford to lose your friends as you enter into a new relationship. I've been guilty of this before, when I was younger. But as I approach 30, I am proud that I am able to maintain fabulous friendships and a wonderful relationship.

Sometimes I question my strength and ability to push through the lows of depression and the indescribable pain of being apart from two small children. But I've learned to try and when all else fails, ask my friends for help. It's a hard thing to do sometimes especially because know one wants to feel like a burden. What I've learned though is that it's better to ask for help than suffer in silence.

Too much

There is only so much one person can take in one day. After an emotional weekend I woke this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Sometimes when you think the past is dealt with and filed away it rears its head and takes you by surprise.

Seriously

I mentioned in an earlier blog about the hand print in my car left behind from a very special little girl. I couldn't bring myself to wipe it off but I took my car to get professionally cleaned today before I sell it and to my surprise when I got back in the car the hand print was still there! So not only did I have to see it again, I had to get in and clean it myself...not what I needed today.

A sense of achievement

It’s nice after a busy weekend to look back see what you have achieved. Often I think I’ve done nothing, no washing, no cleaning, didn’t catch up with as many friends as I wanted etc but this weekend I built a desk! Which meant building it from its flat pack state into something that resembled a nice work space. This also meant that I had to sort through my house to ensure the desk could fit and put my new found storage space to good use!  So I feel like I achieved a few things which is nice....admittedly I didn’t clean as much and I was so lucky that my partner washed, dried and folded my washing (how spoilt am I!)

This week I’m hoping to achieve a few more things, cleaning my bedroom, sorting out my wardrobe and filing the pile of paperwork that has been accuring on my bedroom floor!  

Highs with the Lows

One thing that amazes me about having to say goodbye to children is that the grieving process comes in such waves. You can be coasting along just fine and then all of a sudden you are thrown. I’ve ordered a new car and while I’m excited about it, it will be hard to get rid of my current car. Yes there are lots of memories, the drive from Alice Springs to Canberra, testing out how much you can fit in a small car but probably the hardest has to do with the children that used to be in my life. There is one little handprint on the back window from the littlest girl and I’ve never been able to bring myself to wash it off. It may seem silly and while I’ve been able to pack away other memories I haven’t been able to remove the handprint.

Every day I think of those girls, I miss them and would give anything to spend even an hour with them. Yes it does get easier but it hasn’t gone away. I trust that one day the pain will be less severe and they won’t cross my mind as often but that time isn’t now and I will need to ride the waves of grief a little longer.

Now for my mother and friends that read this.....I am ok. It’s just one of those difficult days J

Things not so good

I know  when I’m struggling with my depression because I start eating orange cream biscuits and doing jigsaw puzzles. Might be a strange combination but it works! When I was going onto medication for the second time I was feeling quite nauseous and could stomach any food I had in the house. So I took myself to the shops and grabbed a few random items one of which being orange creams. Not sure what it is about them but they were the one thing that didn’t make me want to throw up. It’s very rare I eat them now as things are generally under control (which is good cause they aren’t the healthiest thing!).

As for the puzzles, they allow my brain to focus on one piece of the puzzle at a time. I don’t get overwhelmed by the complexity of a puzzle or how challenging it will be rather I focus on one piece at a time. I can honestly say it is the only time that my brain is pretty much silent and that is so peaceful.

Space needed

It's been one of those days and I am craving some space and time to myself. I've been feeling irritable and just over things.....so after getting home from work and doing a few housey things I changed into my pj's and have been watching tv in bed. I know that this is a luxury that most people can't afford but I figure now that I don't have to be responsible for anyone else I can enjoy a lazy night in. Time to watch Winners and Losers then sleep time for me :)