Something to smile about ....

I survived the first week (well 3 days) back in the office. It has been very quiet and while it’s been productive I do look forward to having the rest of my team back on deck.

Now it’s time for the weekend, dinner with family first, painting around the house tomorrow, a visit from some very special people on Sunday and then only five days of work to our weekend away at the coast. Fun times ahead J

This made me smile

I saw this on the internet yesterday and it made me smile, I think this mother has the right idea!

http://www.smh.com.au/digital-life/mobiles/i-will-always-know-the-password-mother-gives-son-an-iphone-for-christmas-along-with-18point-contract-20130103-2c68e.html

I particularly like rule number 17 in the contract :)

17. Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without googling.

Happy New Year

Well it’s that time of year for new beginnings, fresh starts and new year’s resolutions. My only resolution this year is to learn how to sew. I’ve not bothered to set any goals that I know I know may be unachievable for any number of reasons and I will simply focus on being the happiest person I can be.

The last few days have given me some time to reflect on the year that was 2012 and remember the highs and the lows. I was fortunate enough to not have many significant lows, apart from a constant battle with depression and a diagnosis of asthma my family and I have been relatively healthy. I did also (as I think happens every now and then) learn more about the types of people I want to have in my life. As I get older, I realise more and more that people who aren’t honest, upfront and can’t stand up for what they believe are not the people I need around. I already deal with constant second guessing of myself with depression that I need strong people around me.

There were many highs, best of all agreeing to go on a blind date in March. I could’ve very easily stayed home that night and not gone out (would’ve been very easy!) but I am so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and met someone amazing. Now I am in the middle of planning a wedding and am very excited. I was also lucky enough to go overseas for the first time, work with great people, do small renovations to my house, meet some wonderful people and I am hopeful that 2013 will contain all of these things. 

Self Esteem

I saw this, this morning and while it confirmed what I already knew about liposuction (having experienced it) it serves as a good reminder about our self esteem.

(maybe avoid reading this while you are eating!)

http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/real-life/i-watched-my-own-plastic-surgery-20121218-2bkap.html

Happy times ahead

I can’t recall a Christmas day that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed for a very long time. Having separated parents often left me feeling like although I was with one parent, I was missing the other one and often feeling guilty that I couldn’t be in two places at once. I know that I have enjoyed parts of Christmas days gone by but my overwhelming feeling about the day isn’t great.

Despite that, I love the lead up to Christmas, the lights, parties, catching up with family and friends, decorating a tree and advent calendars. I am lucky to be in a good place this year and am hopeful that the Christmas period will be fun and filled with happy memories.

Me, myself and I

So things are starting to sink in a bit....I don’t cope well with change and I have needed some time to myself to come to terms with all the change in my life. I am getting used to it all and learning to adapt to living with someone again.

I find that it’s been hard in the last 12 months to trust again, let someone into my life and relax into a new relationship. I think back to times when I was much more carefree and able to be optimistic about everything. I do realise that this is all a part of growing up, changing and learning from things but it upsets me that our innocence is lost and cannot be restored. I remember back to times living with two little girls and think about how wild their imaginations where, how the simplest item could amuse them for hours and a story or a hug was enough calm them down and settle them. If only it was that easy as an adult.

During the difficult times, I’ve learnt to rely on myself and my friends and turn to them when I need help or support. Largely though, through self preservation I’ve relied only on myself. I figured that way I was less likely to end up getting hurt because I could control things.

Whirlwind

So a lot has changed in a very short space of  time.......

• I turned 30
• I enjoyed 10 amazing days in Thailand
• My ex returned (without the children)
• My boyfriend moved into my place
• I went back to work after holidays
• I was proposed to and said yes....so I'm getting married!

See.....a lot of things! I feel emotionally drained but also excited about the future.

A year on

Well, there were moments in the past 12 months that i didn't think I would survive. The pain of separating and losing contact with two small children has been indescribable at times. Although the pain comes in waves and I miss the children terribly, I have learned to compartmentalize my feelings. A few months ago I picked up a small pink box and over time have slowly packed away things that belonged or remind me of the girls as well as photos and cards that I had bought them for their birthdays this year (but never sent). I have opened the box a few times and had a good cry but also smiled at the memories shared and lessons learned.

Life goes on, I accept this. I am in a good place now, wonderful partner, great house, supportive work mates and fabulous friends and family. I know I don't regret anything that's changed, but I do wish at times I was spared the pain and still had a relationship with the girls.

My friends are fabulous

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the supportive friends I have. This much I know....you can't afford to lose your friends as you enter into a new relationship. I've been guilty of this before, when I was younger. But as I approach 30, I am proud that I am able to maintain fabulous friendships and a wonderful relationship.

Sometimes I question my strength and ability to push through the lows of depression and the indescribable pain of being apart from two small children. But I've learned to try and when all else fails, ask my friends for help. It's a hard thing to do sometimes especially because know one wants to feel like a burden. What I've learned though is that it's better to ask for help than suffer in silence.

Too much

There is only so much one person can take in one day. After an emotional weekend I woke this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Sometimes when you think the past is dealt with and filed away it rears its head and takes you by surprise.

Seriously

I mentioned in an earlier blog about the hand print in my car left behind from a very special little girl. I couldn't bring myself to wipe it off but I took my car to get professionally cleaned today before I sell it and to my surprise when I got back in the car the hand print was still there! So not only did I have to see it again, I had to get in and clean it myself...not what I needed today.

A sense of achievement

It’s nice after a busy weekend to look back see what you have achieved. Often I think I’ve done nothing, no washing, no cleaning, didn’t catch up with as many friends as I wanted etc but this weekend I built a desk! Which meant building it from its flat pack state into something that resembled a nice work space. This also meant that I had to sort through my house to ensure the desk could fit and put my new found storage space to good use!  So I feel like I achieved a few things which is nice....admittedly I didn’t clean as much and I was so lucky that my partner washed, dried and folded my washing (how spoilt am I!)

This week I’m hoping to achieve a few more things, cleaning my bedroom, sorting out my wardrobe and filing the pile of paperwork that has been accuring on my bedroom floor!  

Highs with the Lows

One thing that amazes me about having to say goodbye to children is that the grieving process comes in such waves. You can be coasting along just fine and then all of a sudden you are thrown. I’ve ordered a new car and while I’m excited about it, it will be hard to get rid of my current car. Yes there are lots of memories, the drive from Alice Springs to Canberra, testing out how much you can fit in a small car but probably the hardest has to do with the children that used to be in my life. There is one little handprint on the back window from the littlest girl and I’ve never been able to bring myself to wash it off. It may seem silly and while I’ve been able to pack away other memories I haven’t been able to remove the handprint.

Every day I think of those girls, I miss them and would give anything to spend even an hour with them. Yes it does get easier but it hasn’t gone away. I trust that one day the pain will be less severe and they won’t cross my mind as often but that time isn’t now and I will need to ride the waves of grief a little longer.

Now for my mother and friends that read this.....I am ok. It’s just one of those difficult days J

Things not so good

I know  when I’m struggling with my depression because I start eating orange cream biscuits and doing jigsaw puzzles. Might be a strange combination but it works! When I was going onto medication for the second time I was feeling quite nauseous and could stomach any food I had in the house. So I took myself to the shops and grabbed a few random items one of which being orange creams. Not sure what it is about them but they were the one thing that didn’t make me want to throw up. It’s very rare I eat them now as things are generally under control (which is good cause they aren’t the healthiest thing!).

As for the puzzles, they allow my brain to focus on one piece of the puzzle at a time. I don’t get overwhelmed by the complexity of a puzzle or how challenging it will be rather I focus on one piece at a time. I can honestly say it is the only time that my brain is pretty much silent and that is so peaceful.

Space needed

It's been one of those days and I am craving some space and time to myself. I've been feeling irritable and just over things.....so after getting home from work and doing a few housey things I changed into my pj's and have been watching tv in bed. I know that this is a luxury that most people can't afford but I figure now that I don't have to be responsible for anyone else I can enjoy a lazy night in. Time to watch Winners and Losers then sleep time for me :)

Olivia

I was watching a story on tv on the weekend about Olivia Penpraze and it just broke my heart.

“I suck at introductions, and I don’t know where to start. My name is Liv, and I guess I look like your normal happy teenager...”This is how Olivia’s video blog post started and as the video went on you saw cards with Olivia’s thoughts about bullying and suicide. It was a very honest video and in today’s world of internet etc I guess it was her way of communicating with the outside world.

  

Olivia’s father was interviewed and he estimated around 15,000 people had watched that video between the time it was posted in January 2012 and early May 3 at the time of her death. What is unbelievable is that no one contacted Olivia’s parents to tell them about the video.  Was it a case of it was too hard for anyone to speak up or intervene?

At the age of 19 I can understand how hard it would have been for Olivia to communicate and really articulate how she felt on the inside. Only now in my late 20’s can I begin to try and explain how my own head works being depressed. How are teenagers today meant to explain how they feel when they are dealing with social media along with the other more traditional forms of bullying?  

Back to Reality

I've just had three days off work so only a very short working week for me. I'd planned these days off to do nothing.....people question this but really I was reaching breaking point and I knew I needed some time to chill out and really relax. I didn't want to go away travelling etc I wanted to be at home which feels like a novelty at present with life being so busy.

I'm so pleased that I've taken this time to myself I've slept, watched tv, movies, eaten yummy foods, caught up with good friends and scrapbooked. It sounds busy when it's listed out but really I feel rested, relaxed and my head space is a lot clearer.

I'm looking forward to getting back into the office tomorrow and hope my mini break at home is enough to get me through until my next lot of holidays!!

Why I like blogs

So a good friend of mine started a blog recently and it led me to question why I like having a blog and why I like reading them .

Basically for me I only became interested in blogs when I was considering a surgical procedure last year. I found myself curious about what people really went through and a bit sceptical about the stories you would read on surgeons websites. I was lucky enough to stumble across a wonderful blog about a girls journey leading up to and after the same surgery and it was so useful to me. It helped me better prepare for meetings with my doctor about the procedure and formulate what questions I should be asking.

I then found blogs useful again as I transitioned in to the role of a ‘step mum’. Coupled with counselling for me and my partner at the time I found it useful to connect with other people in the same situation as me for advice and ideas on how to approach living with children that aren’t biologically yours. Being behind a computer reading things and asking questions is a safe way to address what are sometimes very sensitive and politically incorrect issues/concerns.

For me, blogs are a forum that I can use to share my thoughts, without judgement and simply just be me, which I find both refreshing and empowering.

Missing my person

It’s only been like 9 days since my person went overseas on a holiday. I always knew I would miss him but he is a shift worker so it’s not uncommon to go a week without really seeing each other. But he called a short time ago and it hit home how much I miss him and that he still has another few weeks away. I have managed to get through the first week by keeping very busy and now as things settle down I’m finding myself with more free time. I will use this time to focus on myself, clear my head and have some good nanna naps!

It’s funny how we can be so independent and cope just fine as a single person and enjoy the freedom but things can change very quickly when you meet someone. Having been so hurt previously it took a long time to learn to trust again and now that I do it’s nice to have someone to share things with. I’m very lucky to have a person who accepts me and my crazy mind and is supportive and caring unconditionally.

My Person

So I thought I would quickly explain this concept of ‘my person’ before I start writing about him. This label was created by my flatmate when he was struggling to define the stage of my relationship....somewhere between dating and an actual relationship! Now the term has stuck and even though we are now firmly in the relationship stage it’s still fun to refer to him as my person J